WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has reportedly abandoned plans for a military acquisition of Greenland after intelligence briefings revealed that the territory's much-mocked "two dog sled teams" are, in fact, some bada**motherf***ers.

"The President has decided to pursue diplomatic channels at this time," said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, visibly shaken. "We have tremendous respect for Denmark and their... dogs."

Sources within the Pentagon confirm that Trump's reversal came after a 90-minute classified briefing in which military officials detailed the capabilities of Denmark's Sirius Dog Sled Patrol — a unit whose members undergo Navy SEAL-level combat training, NASA psychological conditioning, and routinely survive months-long solo missions in minus-50-degree temperatures while being hunted by polar bears.

"The President asked if we could just drone strike them," said one defense official who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Then we showed him what these guys do for fun."

The briefing reportedly included footage of Sirius operators performing hand-to-hand combat training in complete Arctic darkness, navigation exercises conducted during 100-mph blizzards, and a single patrol member successfully fending off a polar bear attack using only a flare gun and what witnesses described as "an unhinged amount of Danish profanity."

Trump, who had previously dismissed the unit as "two dog sleds," was said to have grown "uncharacteristically quiet" when informed that each patrol team operates with complete radio silence for up to four months, knows the location of every ice cave within 10,000 square miles, and maintains a kill/death ratio against Arctic wildlife that Pentagon analysts called "frankly upsetting."

"These aren't security guards. These are men who chose to live in a frozen hellscape with only dogs and rifles for company," explained Dr. Henrik Larsson, an Arctic warfare specialist at the Copenhagen Institute for Defense Studies. "You don't apply for Sirius. Sirius finds you in your nightmares."

The Sirius Patrol, which has defended Greenland's eastern coast since 1950, consists of just 12 soldiers at any given time — a number Trump had initially mocked during a Fox News appearance.

"Twelve guys? I have more people on my golf course security," Trump said during the January broadcast. "Greenland's got two dog sleds. Sad!"

However, administration officials now say the President has developed "a newfound appreciation" for the patrol after learning that the unit's sled dogs are direct descendants of wolves, trained from birth to detect human threats from over two miles away, and have been known to drag injured operators across 200 miles of ice sheet to safety without commands.

"The dogs are the nice ones," the defense official added.

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Sirius Patrol said only: "We are aware of Mr. Trump's interest in Greenland. We will be here if he visits."

At press time, Trump had redirected military resources toward acquiring the U.S. Virgin Islands, which he reportedly believes "don't have any dog situation."